Why oh why am I not coming home?

This is an email I wrote to a good friend (slightly edited). It explains a lot of why I am staying here in Cote d'Ivoire for longer than a year. Enjoy!

Dear camarade,

When I started thinking about what to do after this year, going home seemed like the obvious choice. I get to see friends and family again, start grad school, move back into my comfortable environment. I'm not sure when it happened. I think it was during a conversation with CJ, but I started to feel the nudgings and whispers from God that I needed to seek Him in this decision process, not just go with what my heart felt was comfortable. Since when does God ask us to do what's comfortable? I mean, goodness gracious, He asks us to leave our father and mother and follow Him and He tells us we'll be strangers in this world. So, I started praying, giving Him the decision. Immediately, I felt a pull to seek out what staying here would look like. I was resistant. I didn't want to! But God asks us to take little steps - I had to first put my ideas for my future and my comfort on the altar, though secretly hoping God would provide the ram. So I did - and everything pointed towards raising support to stay here longer. In the littlest everyday conversations, I had no choice. This whole time, I am completely aware that God will love me the same no matter which decision I make: to stay or to go home. I really felt like God was leading me by the hand.. and I was dragging my feet a little, like a kid whose parents are telling her she doesn't need the barbie doll she really wants at the store (that was me as a kid). Thankfully, I'm past the whole crying fit ordeal. Then, one week at my wednesday night prayer meeting, just a few days after I sent out my support email, it hit me - I wasn't praying for that support letter. I was hoping God would provide the ram, and it's like I knew that not praying for it would mean it couldn't happen. I started praying, and my heart changed. I wanted to stay here, I wanted to do God's will, not my own. I started asking for forgiveness for not surrendering earlier. And I promise, it was an authentic surrender. Sometimes, we think giving up our own dreams is going to hurt, but in reality, taking on God's will is so much more liberating.

THEN, a few days later, I'm sharing with a friend on how I need a little miracle soon, so that I can know whether or not to get a plane ticket home. NEXT DAY, my mom calls me and says, "are you sitting down? your anonymous donor wants to give you $3,300." If that's not an answer to prayer, an honest "green light" for staying here, I don't know what is! The thing is, I could still choose to go home today, but if I do, I know that I'm going to miss the blessings that God has lined up for me in the next few months here in RCI.

God wants to use people who are willing and ready to go, but He wants to do it in His timing. God listens to our dreams and passions, and His are always bigger. I thought I was coming here for a year, God wants me to stay here longer. I wanted to go home, He's telling me to wait. I'll get there eventually, but just not in October. I don't even know when that will be. It looks like I have support into February. I know I've written this a ton already, but it's good, Luis Palau said, "the living sacrifice is every time my will crosses God’s revealed will, and I choose His will over against my own." Just keep seeking Him on this decision, and He'll reveal His will. But you need to have the future decisions already on the altar. When God sees that you have already surrendered your will to Him, He's likely to show you His will. I was just listening to a sermon on Jonah, and how he tried to run from God's will, but God made sure he got there eventually. But why did he have to end up in a fish first? Why are we so stubborn and steadfast with our own wills? I'm praying that God will make it clear what you should do, and that you can follow it, no matter if it's your ideal destination or not!

It's in moments like these, when God asks us to be brave and follow Him somewhere we are not ready to go alone, that we confront fears. One of my biggest fears is being left out. Guess who is the only one coming back here after Paris? me. Alyssa and Devin are support raising to come back, so they will be here (hopefully) within a month afterwards. But, I am the only one coming back right away. So when we talk about going home, it's difficult for me, because I'm not going there in a month and a half. Trusting God, dropping everything, and going to where He leads is tough stuff. Staying where you are when all you want to do is leave, is also tough stuff. I think, either way, God's going to teach you guys A LOT. You guys have already left a lot, and either way, God's gonna uproot you again. In times like this, I understand Paul, when he writes to the churches, sharing how they've been such a blessing but He has to leave them to go elsewhere. (and every place you go, you're still in people's hearts from the last place - like mine for example!) I am really excited for you guys, because I know you are following Him, and I know that when you do that, life is full of blessing (and struggle that leads to even greater blessing) and it's better than we could dream up for ourselves.

love, Steph

Future plans:
September 26 - October 4, 5 or 6
I'm going to Ferke to paint a mural of the Nyarafolo alphabet, to advertise that it's now written! The missionary couple that I'll be helping, are working to translate the Bible in Nyarafolo.

October 26 - November 2
Paris! I will be debriefing with my team for a few days before returning back to Cote d'Ivoire. I am the only one coming back right away, but 2 others (Devin and Alyssa) are raising support to come back within a month.

November 8 - 18
I'm hoping to travel to Ghana with Timothee, Mai, and Tenan (3 of my close friends from my church here in Bouake), to a conference for future West African leaders.


Prayer requests:
-Praise God that support is coming in
-Pray for smooth travels in the next few months
-Pray that I can get a Ghana visa without hastle
-Pray for Alyssa and Devin who are raising support to come back to RCI
-Pray for my grandfather in the states, for good health, he is currently in and out of the hospital. Pray that God would still his heart, clear his lungs, and give him energy.
-Pray for continued relationship building with my neighbors, the church and the girls at Centre Providence. Pray they would see Jesus in me.
-Pray for God's leading as I start the grad school application process
-Pray that I can be filled with peace that surpasses my understanding, in the face of struggles

We are family

When I came here, I never imagined I’d be adopted into a new family. And if I did, I never thought our relationships would reach the point of struggle. Do you know what I mean by that? Ok, we all have relationships that are fairly surface level - your conversations never reach deep frustrations, and you let all your struggles with that person just slide off… because there’s no spaces there to fill, just surface. You never allow the bloody, messy stuff to be seen. BUT, once you do, that’s when the struggles come. When you are really authentic with people, it gets messy. I will share a few examples with you.

My sisters, Kolo and Manygi, had been sleeping in my room for a week because we had a family friend visiting who took their room. The day he left, I asked Kolo if she was going to sleep in her room again that night. She flipped a switch, accusing me of chasing her out of the room, you name it. Here in RCI, you don’t ask people when they’re going to leave. That translates to: “Get out.” In actuality, the room was jam packed with stuff and people, and I could barely move around, so yes, I wanted her to move back to her room.. Which is partially why I said it. The love that 1 Corinthians 13 asks us to live (patient, kind, slow to anger, no record of wrongs) becomes difficult with people you live with.. And impossible when you share a room. A few days later, I bought her a pagne and we went to see our friend Mami who makes clothes, so she could have an outfit for the wedding (scroll down for explanation). And dancing, chatting, and playing cards with Kolo are some of my favorite activities when I’m at the house. Now she’s living in my room again, and again I’m praying for more patience.

One night, my host mom asked me to throw my orange peel outside. I can be sensitive.. As anyone who has really gotten to know me should understand. And when she asks me to do things, it’s more of a demand, and a question, like, “why didn’t you throw that outside? Don‘t you know, that‘s what you do here?” I got visibly frustrated, and went outside. When my host dad got home, we had an informal “meeting”. It started with Kadi and I both really frustrated (I accidentally cried), and ended with the shaking of hands and apologies. It was rather formal, with Bakary as our mediator (a very culturally appropriate way of handling it), explaining that he wants peace in his house and that we were going to work out our differences. I was able to explain that there will always be things which I do not yet understand here, and ask her to speak to me with more patience. She told me she didn’t like when I get mad and walk out of the room. I told her I would work on being slow to anger.

On Thursday, my host parents got married. Yep. It’s true, they were already married, about 8 years ago. That was traditionally, with their parents present, in the village. They were not, however, married under law. This is a pretty foreign concept to us in the US, but it’s common here. So, we had a ceremony at the legal marriage office, then at ICA (our program’s base here in Bouake). About a month ago, they shared with me the plan. I offered to make the cake, thinking it was a small “shindig” at the house. But it quickly blew up into about 150 people and a full ceremony. And then it was Chazz and I directing the show - decorations, food, chairs, sound system. I was so happy to help and serve them after all they’ve given and done for me over the past 8 months. But man, I don’t think I’m cut out to be a wedding planner!

The thing is, all of this - these joys and struggles - would not happen if we weren’t family. I am learning to love the messy stuff, because when it is present, that means the relationships are real and authentic, not just that surface level bogus. I am part of a legit, Ivorian family, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Here’s some photos of my family, since a picture describes our relationship a whole heck of a lot better.

Manygi, David, Emanuel, and I Kolo is ridiculous.. I love it.
The Wedding! Dancing with Kadi, on her way to see Bakary.
Kolo and I
Senoufo dancing
I was trying to get the cake out of her mouth Gorgeous, right?
Chazz and I
This describes our relationship. He is ridiculous and he makes me laugh a lot.
David and Emanuel - so sapé! (snazzy)Bakary and KadiWe are family