Dependence, humility, and worry

I am overdue for one of these. Organization seems impossible right now, so I’m going to give you a series of anecdotes and lessons I’m learning.

1. Dependence.

About 3 weeks ago now, I went up to Ferke to have Dr. Jen look at the growing cyst on my back, at Hopital Baptiste. She squeezed everything out, and I just about passed out from pain. I haven’t gone very long here without everyday medical treatments. I’ve gone from mourning over the inconvenience of applying products 3 times a day to ring worm, to relying on someone else to put medicine and gauze on my cyst wound. I just always seem to need someone else’s help. Add this to a limited French vocabulary and nearly nonexistent Senoufo or Jula, an only basic understanding of the culture, and it’s hard to be completely independent here. I love being independent, so this is hard for me (if you couldn’t tell).

“The remnant of Israel, the survivors of the house of Jacob, will no longer rely on him who struck them down but will truly rely on the Lord, the Holy One of Israel,” (Isaiah 10:20). In Deuteronomy 9, God tells the people of Israel 3 times, “it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.” God reminds them of how they turned away and made a golden calf, while Moses was on the mountain meeting with Him. Yet God accepts them back, telling them to love Him and serve Him with all their heart and soul (Deut. 10:12). He tells them to write His word on their doorframes, tie them to their hands, bind them to their foreheads, and teach them to their children while they walk on the road (11:18). God knows we’re not capable of keeping His word on our own, or else we’ll make a golden calf out of our jewelry in no time, and turn from Him to worship it.

I am surely capable of this. Clothes, money, food, guys, my own righteousness - even here I turn to worship these things. And it’s these struggles that remind me of my reliance on God. Cysts on my back, straining to understand sermons, and my own yearning for relationship - these all lead me back to my dependence on God somehow. The thing is, God loves when we depend on Him. We were made for this type of reliance. So why am I so quick to be independent, even of my creator?

2. Humility

Yesterday afternoon, I sat in my courtyard, washing my clothes and sheets with a basin, a bucket, and a bar of soap. My host mom and sister like to laugh at me - my French, the way I wash clothes, you name it. And so they did, a lot! It’s kind of like when you think the foreign exchange student from Russia has a funny accent, and they do everything differently in Russia, so you like to laugh at the way she walks and eats too. Kadi, my host mom, also asked me why I don’t spend my money (assuming that I have an ample amount), and Kolo started on a continuous string of cockroach jokes, because she knows they freak me out(with good reason). I got so frustrated, and all I could do was give it to God. Then, when I finally sat down to journal, Kadi asked me to take the kids for a haircut.. I was tired and resisted, but took them in the end. Afterwards, Emanigi (10 years old) went back to the house to wash the dishes.. She had been up since 5 am, cooking and cleaning, and was still going. Here I was complaining that I’d washed and cleaned all afternoon, and then had to take the kids to get a haircut. I prayed for an attitude adjustment at dinner.

3. We worry for nothing

I have lots of questions. What in the world will I do after Africa? Will I go home after this? Will I come back again? Will I go to grad school? Who and when will I marry? While I’m here, what will I do with my project money, with the girls at Centre Providence? Goodness gracious. The God of all creation must think I’m RIDICULOUS. Thank goodness, “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord,” (Romans 8:38-39).

A very dear friend recently wrote me a card, and put this verse in it: “So do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” In the face of these worries, I tend to lose confidence. Add that to hot humid weather, rice for 3 meals, and other uncomforts that are bearable until other frustrations build up. Then I read Hebrews 12: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.” I LOVE this picture. I just stop and tell myself, "steph, strengthen your arms and knees, and get over it, keep going!"

Another friend here recently told me that they have seen in me a growing ability to have joy in the midst of struggle. I thought he was talking about someone else for a minute, because this is only something that God has instilled in me. “The greatest honor we can give the Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of His love,” (from The Ragamuffin Gospel). I want people to say that I live gladly because of His love.

I hope you can glean something from that ramble. Here are a few pictures from my recent Burkina Faso trip! The first is our team, standing in front of the sign for the animal reserve where we stayed for 2 nights. (top: Devin, Rod. bottom: Alyssa, Holly, Naomi, Chazz, CJ, Heidi, me, Jason).

Elephants! They walked right up to where we were sitting! They're so beautiful up close.